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Refilling my positivity reservoir

 Recently I found a large lined journal on clearance for only $2. It is very therapeutic for me to free-flow my thoughts. Recently I began rereading and making helpful notes in a different color ink as if I was talking to my bestie. After all, shouldn't we speak to ourselves at least as sweet as our best friends? Most of it is trying to turn around the negative talk. Some clarifying that in the emotional roller coaster, I am omitting certain facts. I once worked very hard to be positive. It was very difficult especially since I was still in hell, but somehow in my recovery from that dark period, I have found myself constantly complaining like some awful word vomit that is exceedingly difficult to stop. So it is time to start rebuilding my positivity. I know it will be a very difficult road, but at least I have achieved this before so I know I will get there. I used to create positive reasons things happened even if they were not true because it was better for me to believe that tha...
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Even bad relationships are complicated.

 One of the hardest things about leaving a long term relationship that went wrong isn't all the bad choices and things you let slide, but the sweet, poignant moments that come to mind. I won't bore you with how I let him break off small pieces of me until I no longer recognized who I was anymore. No, this was a happy private thing that makes me miss the good man he could be, but I saw not as often as I wanted. We would watch a show or a movie that was very moving and I could cry at the drop off a hat, but he had moments these things would even affect him. He'd never admit it, but the standard response became, "stupid show."  That's the complicated part of deciding to leave your partner of 23 years when it has become apparent you must leave it you won't make it out alive. He was never all bad and if I had been stronger and stood up for myself harder, it never would have gotten so hopeless.  I can't just hate him because we had a whole life together desp...
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  Lately I have been struggling with the words that define and drive me. They were everything I have wanted since I could form words. A little over three years ago I left pure hell and have been rebuilding myself. Those who have helped me on this journey, I am forever grateful for your help and support. I am 46 days clean and still fighting the battle daily. I decided to create a game to figure out the word that would define and drive me from here on out. I was going to find a large piece of paper, but it turns out a post-it was plenty. (I am the post-it queen, 😄) The idea was simple really. Write the old words that did not serve me anymore and were draining my energy in red and put a no symbol (circle with diagonal slash through it). Then in black ink, the words that describe me. For the minuses or problem words, I put wife and mother. I have wanted to be both since I was old enough to form words. They have made up the core of who I wanted to be as long as I could remember, b...
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  Life is certainly testing the limits of my sobriety today. Maybe I told you my truck has two blown tires when I hit a curb trying to get to a new doctor to get anxiety meds. Well, I had tried to be helpful and jacked up the truck and got one of the tires off. Well, I woke this morning while feeding my crazy dog and getting my cold-brewed coffee when I noticed the truck sitting at that particular angle again. My heart dropped for a moment. I got coffee and ate a couple sausage balls to get away from the problem and try to realize it wasn’t as soul-crushing as it first felt. Well, the system we use to chat no one could access. It was a nice reprieve for a few minutes until they turned my world on its head again. They had changed security access so we had to open both the database and chat links must be open in remote desktop. I am working on a laptop with a monitor next to it so I can see everything. Folks with anxiety do not appreciate their cheese being moved. I am writing th...
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  So, against the advice of most everybody, I weaned myself off Cymbalta which I started in my last life to help with severe depression. I have been on this journey to re-find myself and I just knew down to my bones it was no longer needed. (I do not recommend ANYONE just stopping their meds.) If I needed proof, I have been so industrious of late. Day before yesterday, I made a batch of my fav holiday food, sausage balls. Yesterday I baked a yellow box cake and made homemade caramel icing. I feel more myself than I have in three decades. I feel like I have finally gotten out from under the dark cloud my ex had looming over me. I am still facing lots of issues here, but I no longer feel daunted in the least. My old life was centered around, “Please don’t leave me.” Now I feel like, “I am fabulous, why the f*** would you ever leave?” It is a welcome change from feeling like a hopeless lump. I feel like I can truly do anything. I feel like I have finally found my way back to me. ...
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  It’s a reflective time of year. I have made my peace that I will never be a mother, but now I am faced with the fact I will never be a wife either. I used to be the fat friend, but I’ve lost about 100 lbs. so I am kind of feeling like I am not sure who I am. I love to crochet. I am a natural empath, and I can usually help folks with their issues, but must watch out for myself because it can be very draining. I recently found I do not mean as much as I thought to someone dear to me and of course it hurts. I have fought through the last three years to get myself back after having to suppress most everything about myself for more than two decades only to be told it feels like yesterday to them. That made me feel like they were negating everything I have gone through and accomplished since then. My baby dog and bestie are really the only reason I am still here. Yes, I have had some awful dark thoughts and it taught me who I can count on and most of all, who I cannot. These answer...
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  Welcome to another rollercoaster ride in my head. Lol. I was fortunate enough that my sister and brother-in-law rescued my truck and brought it home to me. I was anxious it would be towed. Here in Georgia, we have five days to remove abandoned vehicles before they are towed. My truck broke down last Tuesday so Sunday would have been the fifth full day. It also turns out I was so frantic I did not know the two left tires blew. Now that Statham (yes, I name my vehicles) is home, I can figure out how to get a full set of tires. The consensus is that they were 10 years old and showing signs of dry rot. Now I know 6 years is the longest you should try to run on a set of tires. I’m learning. I did manage to get my bathroom sink unclogged. Small victories.  Thanksgiving will be small here. I could not get a ham or turkey and fixings, but me and the doggo will not be starving. I made a batch of red beans and rice this weekend. I may make my 10 can chicken tortilla soup. I us...
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