Hydrangeas and Spice

  Life is certainly testing the limits of my sobriety today. Maybe I told you my truck has two blown tires when I hit a curb trying to get to a new doctor to get anxiety meds. Well, I had tried to be helpful and jacked up the truck and got one of the tires off. Well, I woke this morning while feeding my crazy dog and getting my cold-brewed coffee when I noticed the truck sitting at that particular angle again. My heart dropped for a moment. I got coffee and ate a couple sausage balls to get away from the problem and try to realize it wasn’t as soul-crushing as it first felt. Well, the system we use to chat no one could access. It was a nice reprieve for a few minutes until they turned my world on its head again. They had changed security access so we had to open both the database and chat links must be open in remote desktop. I am working on a laptop with a monitor next to it so I can see everything. Folks with anxiety do not appreciate their cheese being moved. I am writing th...

  So, against the advice of most everybody, I weaned myself off Cymbalta which I started in my last life to help with severe depression. I have been on this journey to re-find myself and I just knew down to my bones it was no longer needed. (I do not recommend ANYONE just stopping their meds.) If I needed proof, I have been so industrious of late. Day before yesterday, I made a batch of my fav holiday food, sausage balls. Yesterday I baked a yellow box cake and made homemade caramel icing. I feel more myself than I have in three decades. I feel like I have finally gotten out from under the dark cloud my ex had looming over me. I am still facing lots of issues here, but I no longer feel daunted in the least. My old life was centered around, “Please don’t leave me.” Now I feel like, “I am fabulous, why the f*** would you ever leave?” It is a welcome change from feeling like a hopeless lump. I feel like I can truly do anything. I feel like I have finally found my way back to me. ...

  It’s a reflective time of year. I have made my peace that I will never be a mother, but now I am faced with the fact I will never be a wife either. I used to be the fat friend, but I’ve lost about 100 lbs. so I am kind of feeling like I am not sure who I am. I love to crochet. I am a natural empath, and I can usually help folks with their issues, but must watch out for myself because it can be very draining. I recently found I do not mean as much as I thought to someone dear to me and of course it hurts. I have fought through the last three years to get myself back after having to suppress most everything about myself for more than two decades only to be told it feels like yesterday to them. That made me feel like they were negating everything I have gone through and accomplished since then. My baby dog and bestie are really the only reason I am still here. Yes, I have had some awful dark thoughts and it taught me who I can count on and most of all, who I cannot. These answer...

  Welcome to another rollercoaster ride in my head. Lol. I was fortunate enough that my sister and brother-in-law rescued my truck and brought it home to me. I was anxious it would be towed. Here in Georgia, we have five days to remove abandoned vehicles before they are towed. My truck broke down last Tuesday so Sunday would have been the fifth full day. It also turns out I was so frantic I did not know the two left tires blew. Now that Statham (yes, I name my vehicles) is home, I can figure out how to get a full set of tires. The consensus is that they were 10 years old and showing signs of dry rot. Now I know 6 years is the longest you should try to run on a set of tires. I’m learning. I did manage to get my bathroom sink unclogged. Small victories.  Thanksgiving will be small here. I could not get a ham or turkey and fixings, but me and the doggo will not be starving. I made a batch of red beans and rice this weekend. I may make my 10 can chicken tortilla soup. I us...

  Welcome to the menagerie of doubt and pain that is inside my head. Today, my nerves feel sharp and painful. My truck is still along Peachtree Industrial North, I hope. I have not let Tucker out at night since I killed yet a third fucking vehicle because it just hurts too much to see that empty driveway. Yeah, I know Statham is not dead, but it feels like it. I have gotten where I take a shower once a week. I know that sounds atrocious to most of you. Go suck it! I still have massive depression and anxiety. Self-care is difficult when you feel so low that trying to fix one thing and something going sideways derails me. I have not had a working washer or dryer for so long. I cannot even tell you. I wear the same shirt and pants for days/weeks at a time. I had not left the house from August when the van broke, now I know irreparably, until a couple weeks ago when Wanda and Jeff came and replaced the steering column. That’s Now the truck was shaking like it was out of alignment...